Update 8/15/2014

Over the last week or two several of you have expressed surprise that I am still in the land of the living!  Put me in that category, too! 

It just goes to show that we are all living in privileged space--my euphemism for God’s mercy and grace, which daily surround us.  Previous to my diagnosis, I did not fully recognize the daily interaction and presence of God. Yes, I would acknowledge seeing the hand of God in extraordinary situations, but I was reticent to make the connection to a Sovereign God, who is always present.

Over the past eleven months, Mary and I have been amazed and encouraged at how God has conformed our path to intersect with people, based upon what can only be attributed to a God who ordains what is best for us. We often ask ourselves "Where did I see God showing up today?"  The answer is usually seen in the people God uses to personally convey His love for us. God’s timing and placement of His saints for our encouragement and His glory have been extraordinary and cannot be rationalized as random events.

Proverbs 16:9  “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Who knows how much time any of us has left?  As they say, it's beyond our pay grade

and known only by a sovereign God. As I consider what is next and that I likely have weeks or in the best case scenario a few months of time left, I am encouraged by His faithfulness and the strength of His promises.

Romans 8:35, 38-39 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced

that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I am solidly in His hands, as I see the shadow of death looming.  Do I fear death? 

Yes, I fear the specter of separation from my sweet Mary and the loneliness; the unknown of potential pain as I leave this life; the sadness at the end of all my relationships with my dear family and friends.  What I don't fear is where I will spend eternity. It's ironic to think of going to Heaven and being lonely---that is not in keeping with Heaven as perfect and a place of restoration--where there are neither regrets nor tears, where I will be welcomed by a loving and kind Jesus, who paid the debt for my sin by His death and resurrection.

I'd be remiss if I did not again convey my thanks to you for the many ways you have shown your love for us and in so doing have been used by God to encourage Mary and me.

I hope to pass on a few more observations to you. Time will tell.

Grace and peace to you.  

Joy ?

To my friends, brothers and sisters because of Jesus….

You have been an encouragement to Mary and me over the nine months subsequent to my brain cancer diagnosis. Thank you for the care you have extended to us as we have been the recipients of blessing on top of blessing.

Last Monday, the visit with the Neuro Oncologist (neuro-onc) revealed that the cancer has grown significantly in the last six weeks since the last MRI. I am no longer a candidate for a chemo drug, Temador, as it has been less than effective, besides the serious side effect of depleting the platelets. The next treatment option involves Avastin, which also has very serious side effects. Left untreated, the neuro-onc projected about two months of life. With Avastin, about four months.  Characteristically, this is an aggressive, fast growing type of brain cancer.

After praying about next steps, talking with friends, Mary, and our kids,  I've decided to end the cancer treatment through The James. I have contacted Hospice and we will now come under their care.

In reaching this decision, I found great encouragement in James 1:2-4..."Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

The idea of joy has puzzled me.  I briefly talked with one of my friends the other day and he suggested that the "joy" found in James 1:2 might be closer to shalom.  I found that interesting as I had arrived at the idea of assurance and peace as I prayed and thought about how the Holy Spirit has been palpably present in this trial.  Mary and I have seen our faith in Jesus affirmed and strengthened, not diminished in this time of trial.

I know the number of my days are ordained by God (Psalm 139:16) with or without Avastin.  It is with great peace that I move into this space that is within His sovereign and loving control.

I'm hopefully able to remain active and currently look forward to seeing/talking with you as His grace allows. We continue to place our we trust in Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, Eph 3:20.  

 

Krista, our middle daughter, along with her 3 kids are staying with us through June. She is a huge encouragement to Mary and me.  Shauna, our oldest daughter and her 4 kids were here through the weekend.  Noah will be here later after he and Hilary welcome a new baby boy into the world in the next week or so.  We will see them all again over the next month or so.  We are finding our remaining time together to be a great blessing.

Treatment Update, June 3, 2014

Yesterday was the latest doctor visit. Temador, the  chemo drug for treating the brain cancer is no longer an option due to the side effects, involving seriously depressed platelet count. An MRI was completed yesterday. MRI results were not what we'd hoped, but certainly were in keeping with the "norm" for glioblastoma, which means an aggressive, fast growing cancer. Basically, the MRI showed three tumors on the right side of the brain, but scattered through different levels of brain tissue. We were told that without treatment I have about two months, but with treatment perhaps four months.  I could also go another 6 years with treatment---that's how unpredictable this cancer has proven to be.  We will pursue treatment, which we anticipate will begin later this week. The drug, Avastin, is administered intravenously every two weeks.

Two verses keep running through my head:

1.)  “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.   I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:11b – 13

2.)  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance….”

Contentment and joy -- two greatly misapplied terms.  

June 2, 2014, marks another milestone in treatment.  The time horizon has shortened considerably, which is fairly predictable with glioblastoma.  I’ve been anticipating this doctor appointment for the last few weeks and asking myself how I would react to the news.  To be candid, it’s not the news I was anticipating, as I’ve not felt better, nor had as much energy as I’ve had over the last three weeks or so.  Regardless, my reference point is the apostle Paul, who you might recall had been shipwrecked, imprisoned, stoned, whipped at least twice and was always operating in some unpleasant or life threatening situation.  

Paul’s encouragement based on his faith in Jesus rings true for me.  I do not fear what is next, as a Sovereign, loving God is in control.  I’m sad at the news of reduced time, which means less time with my friends, my dear Mary, and family. Yet, I operate with the certainty of eternal life with Jesus.  How life will unfold over the next few months is anyone’s guess.    

The grace and peace that can only come from God pervades my thinking.  This is consistent with the many reminders found in His word that Jesus’ promises are bullet proof.  My contentment is not dependent on my circumstances, as I trust in a Sovereign God, who has my good and His glory at the center. My good is based on how a Sovereign and loving God defines what is best, based on His will---not my arbitrary and selfish understanding of what is best for me.    My trust in Jesus will certainly be tested in the coming months, but that is where the faith that Paul talks about comes into play.  Joy is a sense of security or assurance that comes from knowing that He does not allow any of His children to be snatched from His hand (John 10:28, 29).  Joy is not a false sense of elation.  I have the knowledge and promise that I will reside with Jesus after I die.  Life with Jesus is eternal.  All that has gone wrong will be made perfect for those who trust in Him since He is the great physician.  That is a joy I can anticipate and forms the basis for trusting Jesus---that His promises are reliable. 

My dear friends, I dislike emotional appeals, but I want you to know that as I face into this impending storm, I am trusting, confident and certain of the love of Jesus.  He has promised that I will join Him in heaven.  My love goes out to each of you.  I am hopeful to talk with you over the coming weeks and months.  

Treatment Update

April 23, 2014

We have a little mixed news from this week's test results.  The labs were excellent.  The platelets are in the "normal" range at 208.

The MRI showed a 4 mm "spot."  Not definitively anything yet, but a "spot" worth watching.  As a result, the next MRI will be in six weeks.

Chemo (temador) will be resumed at a lower dosage since the previous platelet issue was quite serious.

We are reminded of a verse we were given at the beginning of this journey to seek divine guidance.  The decisions are not cut and dried and we desperately need the power of His Holy Spirit as we try to assess the best of various alternatives.  We find solace in Isaiah 30: 21-22 that states:

Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 

We are constantly reminded of his caring embrace of us as we go through this trial and that he is showing us the way.  

Are You Kidding Me?

Are You Kidding Me?

April 2, 2014

Did you know that as a believer in Jesus we are presently---that’s real time--- seated with Jesus in the heavenly realms?  See Ephesians 2:4-6a.

But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus….

This statement of reality has been an uplifting revelation for me as I think about death. I don’t have to die to join Jesus.  In the here and now I can experience life with Jesus.   Further proof we are living in privileged space.  

Update on Condition:

Last week my platelets dropped to 6.  Normal is 150 to 400.  They’ve been in steady decline and as a result, I underwent a transfusion of platelets.   Today, testing showed the platelets had climbed to 25.  Further chemo has been suspended.  For now we wait for the platelets count to rebound and what further treatment is possible.  We anticipated treatment could result in complications.  However,  I feel fine except for fatigue.   Thank you all for your prayers for Mary and me.  We see the working of His Spirit daily in the strength He extends to both of us.  

Six Months Later...

Six months ago the diagnosis of GBM was barely comprehensible.  Today, it frames most of what I do.  Has this been a desert experience, filled with fear and loneliness or one that has seen God extend His hand of grace and mercy?  Have I seen God showing up in this mess?  How do you live with a terminal illness with little certainty about your remaining time?

A quick recap.  A craniotomy was performed in September 2013.  Starting In October, I underwent six weeks of both chemo and radiation therapy.  I had about a seven week reprieve from treatment and then started a 28 day chemo treatment schedule in January.  In the latest treatment cycle chemo (Temador) is taken daily for 5 days followed by 23 days without chemo.  An MRI is completed every two months.   As long as the MRI indicates the GBM is progression free, the 28 day cycle of chemo may continue for up to 12 cycles. The first round was filled with nausea and extreme fatigue.  Since then, adjustments to anti-nausea medication have largely diminished the more difficult side effects.  

After six months it seems the right time to ask: “what’s been learned?”

• Living in fear is a curse.  We are at peace with all that He has in store, not seeking in desperation to prolong life because the alternative is foreboding and dark. We have been granted peace to enjoy this precious time Mary and I have together.  We operate with the knowledge that our eternal life is enjoyed in His presence.

• Gratitude is the order of the day.  We have been overwhelmed with more acts of kindness than we can enumerate.  People, some we don’t even know, go out of their way to care for us, remind us that they are praying and with their actions show us we’re not forgotten.  I only wish I could reciprocate as the debt I have built-up is significant.  Saying “thank you” doesn’t carry the weight and depth of my appreciation.   

• Grace and mercy envelop this privileged space.  We don’t deserve God’s personal care, but the love of God is evident on a daily basis.  That has the effect of strengthening my faith as I experience His loving kindness and sovereignty. 

I am reminded of the disciples in the boat, about to capsize on a stormy, raging sea, who were scared out of their minds.  Jesus calmed the blustery sea with one command, “Peace (quiet) be still.” (Luke 4:39)  I take comfort in Jesus’ control over all creation—nothing escapes His sight.

“The Lord Almighty is with us.” Psalm 46:11a