Why?

Why? 

·         Why did this happen?

·         Why are the 3 D’s---death, disease, and destruction a constant in our world?

·         Why suffering?  Why pain?

·         Why loss of relationship and the end of all things?

·         Why the futility of life?  

The “why” question must be addressed in order to frame out:

·         How can we move ahead in the face of the inexplicable?

·         So what:  What does this mean for you, my friends and my family?

In all this, I invite your comments and feedback as I post my observations.  Please do feel free to disagree.  Secondly, you should know that the basis for my vantage point is twofold:  His Word as found in Scripture and how Jesus reveals Himself and affirms His Word through the power of the Holy Spirit.  This is the only place I find Truth. 

Here’s the uncomfortable and rotten answer:  We don’t know why, and likely may not ever know the why to suffering.  Deuteronomy 29:29(a) helps explain that the mind of God is unknowable.

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever….”

That only makes sense if you consider the intellectual horsepower of God alone, regardless of all His other attributes.  If He is the Creator of all things, His knowledge and power are not quantifiable. His ways exceed our capacity and ability to comprehend (see Romans 11:33-36) and yet, He makes Himself known to us as a loving, kind, and gracious God who will go to any extreme to gain personal, individual relationship with me. This foundation informs what I believe to be true regarding suffering, pain and death.  Equally important, this is the basis for how I live in the” now” with a “living hope” that is not based on the power of positive thinking or denial, my fabricated sense of reality, nor some other “talk show” construct du jour for rationalizing the reality of the situation.  Truth is the forum for objectivity and clarity on the issue of pain and suffering and asking “why.”  It is a question that begs to be asked and not ignored.

If the answer is unknowable, then how can I move forward and avoid the paralysis and confusion of “not knowing why?”  The short answer:  This entire issue is about faith.  Faith that God is sovereign, that His promises are reliable, that He loves me and will go to any extreme for me.  Why choose that option of faith vs. the other option, which is to ignore or tune-out God?  That is the question each of us must answer for ourselves.  Reality check:  Control is at the core of knowing why.  If I know why, I can control the outcome.  Mankind has an inherent inability to trust God. 

The next issue is:  I better be right.  How do I know, and what are the indicators that placing my trust in Jesus is the right decision?  You don’t want to bet on the wrong horse. 

The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.  Eric_Hoffer(1902 - 1983)

Treatment Calendar

Treatment Calendar 

OSU’s The James continues to impress us with the level of care and time devoted to treatment.  Mary and I met with the radiology oncologists on September 26 for nearly four hours for the purpose of finalizing treatment plans, including the process of creating and fitting the radiation “mask.”

 

I found the process of creating the mask fascinating.  A thermoplastic mesh is draped over the upper shoulders and head, creating a mold. This mold is then secured to the table of the X-Ray tube to securely hold everything in the right place.  A laser measuring system is used to precisely place the head and body in the right position.  I have to tell you that the laser measuring system isn’t much different from what you’d see in a high end collision repair facility, as accuracy is measured in millimeters.  Mary’s hoping they don’t replace the OEM parts with after-market!

On Thursday, October 4, we return to The James for a trial run.  A complete simulation of radiation will be conducted to ensure the mask is properly positioned for the radiation targets.

On Monday, October 7, daily treatment begins.  Radiation and chemotherapy will occur simultaneously.  Radiation is a six week process with appointments Monday through Friday.  Chemotherapy is administered in pill form and is taken seven days per week.

We are relishing these remaining days before treatment begins.   I am capitalizing on time with my Mary.  We are affirmed in our faith, as God continues to pour out His love on us.  Thank you for continuing to pray for us. 

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Gerbil on the Run….

Gerbil on the Run….

Here’s a quick update on the status and treatment plan….

Background

Mary’s view:  Tim was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme (grade IV) 22 days ago.  Testing reveals a loss of spatial, organizational, and short-term memory, but to talk with him, you would never know that.  His conversation is fluid, his thoughts clear, and his sense of humor is completely intact.  (He does talk less about insurance claims solutions than he used to, and, frankly, that’s a welcome relief!) ).  His sense of taste, too, is quickly waning.  He really liked the over-salted salad I made last night! J  On occasion he is “lost” in a strange setting.  For a guy who was born with GPS in his head, this is a strange, new phenomenon. 

Tim’s view: I sleep very little, maybe 2-3 hours a night, but I don’t feel tired due to the steroids. Mary contends that a gerbil was implanted in my head during the surgery. I am totally sympathetic with A-Rod and his 50 game suspension.  The steroids aim to minimize brain swelling.  Peripheral vision in the left eye is gone now, requiring caution when walking.  No driving and constant supervision due to the potential for seizures.  None so far.  Loss of balance is an issue (ataxia) because the area in the brain controlling equilibrium was damaged by the tumor. 

By way of summary, the surgery on September 5 was intended to slow the rapid tumor growth.  The intent of the radiation and chemo is to minimize the rate of growth that is still occurring. This type of tumor grows tentacles, which permeate the brain, with obvious consequences. It is not possible to remove the many tendrils without destroying the brain.  Combined chemo and radiation is the standard medical treatment.  

 

Treatment

The James is the highly regarded Cancer Research Center at The Ohio State University. Don’t worry: I’ve not gone soft here.  I’m still a Coug.  We met with the Neuro Oncologist at The James last week along with each of the individuals on his team.  Suffice it to say, they have the necessary expertise across all the various specialties.  The treatment regimen is pretty formulaic—5 days per week of radiation and 7 days per week of chemo, which is in pill form….no IV for the chemo. The radiation will require daily trips to The James.  This Thursday is the first radiation appointment at which time I’ll be fitted with a mask so that only the area of the tumor is radiated. Radiation will last six weeks.   The chemo (Temador) is purportedly more tolerable than some other typical chemo drugs.  

 

Clinical Trials:

 I have opted in for two different clinical trials. The minor detail is one has to survive the initial treatment regimen--the fine print will get you every time.  Frankly, that’s not where my hope rests.  I’d certainly like to be around long enough to qualify, but I’m not arguing with the scorecard.  The prognosis is very clear.   

 

Summary:

 I cannot begin to thank all of you enough for your kindness, the prayers, the notes, the text messages, the meals, and the multiple gestures that come in so many different forms.  It is in those acts that we see one example of His Spirit  showing up because in His perfect timing, they are received just when needed….A God who longs to pour out His love on those He loves…..I John 3:1. May He richly bless each of you.

Trust and Trials

Trust and Trials….

Recall the scene in the old movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in which the twosome jump off a cliff into the roaring river? Towards the end of the movie, after multiple successful escapes, The Kid and Butch Cassidy are cornered, standing on the precipice of a deep canyon with a rapids-filled river at the base of the rocky cliffs.  As the militia closes in on them, they hesitate momentarily to build up some confidence before making the leap into the river below and in that moment The Kid concedes he doesn’t know how to swim.  Butch Cassidy’s quip stated the obvious:  “What are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.” The twosome had a “history” of escaping near death experiences and surviving.    

Analogies can only go so far, but the trial Mary and I presently face would be impossible to comprehend except that we have seen the hand of God before.  We see how he takes my screw-ups, the bad decisions, the wrong thinking and restores.  My trust in a God of Hope (Romans 15:13) is strengthened as I experience His kindness and compassion.  I experience the rock solid foundation of His love.  In essence, trials create a track record that act as a reference point for the next trial we encounter. 

Trust is a conscious decision that is strengthened over time.  I find my trust in God is a bit like the ebb and flow of the tide.  “The heart of man has an inherent inability to trust God.” See http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/vista-community-church-dublin/id288508237  I can have a high level of confidence only to have it eroded by some event that I didn’t anticipate or was “out of control.” Trust means that I must give up control and submit to something.  The object of our trust is crucial to the next trial or challenge we face…and trust me on this, those trials are a certainty.

The precipice Mary and I found ourselves contemplating pre and post-surgery involved some pretty tough facts.  I had in mind that I needed the facts and told the medics as much.  I had already solved for the unknown, which is to say, I was confident in the reliability of His promise. I could deal with the issues rationally, because the terror of death was a non-issue. See Isaiah 28:16.  Because the promises of God are reliable, I am certain of my eternal security.  The lie of Satan is that God doesn’t love me…or ideas to that effect. Wrong thinking may cause me to conclude that this is a random event; that God really isn’t in control or as Woody Allen cynically stated, “God is an underachiever.” Perhaps, I screwed-up and did something wrong to cause this.

Instead, terminal cancer is not what God desires, but results from a world full of evil.  As Tim Keller points out, there is an “asymmetrical relationship” between suffering and God. See http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/questions-suffering.  God’s design did not include death, disease and destruction.  The “original sin” unleashed those forces by turning away from God.  God doesn’t condone, but permits sin. 

The bottom, bottom line is one of Trust.  If He is in control of my situation and is working for my welfare (Romans 8:28), how can I move forward with a trusting heart?  What assurance should I have in this process?  If my faith is affirmed in suffering, what “proof” can I share with you as evidence that His foundation and my welfare is secure?  What are the implications of trusting in a Sovereign God?  Stay tuned.

Seeing Clearly....

Seeing Clearly…..

I have learned since my surgery that I have a serious sight deficit on the left side.  The docs were confident it existed prior to the surgery.  In retrospect, that explains why I was running over curbs while driving a rental car, of course.  One of those curb-running incidents resulted in one of my good friends renaming me Helen Keller.  What was evident to him was obscure if not hidden from me.  One of the docs pointed out that the mind has an amazing way of compensating for such anomalies which allowed me to “deny” any problems or fall-off in my sight that I’d been experiencing.  There were other symptoms, which I vigorously ignored as “that wasn’t really me”---like getting lost while driving. 

Life is like that.  We become ingrained in our own way of thinking and adapt to the current environment.  We need the infusion of light as the “independent third party” for bringing objectivity.  To illuminate those things we simply ignore or overlook.  It’s in His Truth—God’s Word that I begin to understand what is critical to real purpose; in how I should conduct myself; that I am a child of God without condition.  That’s all well and good, but to trigger the benefits of His Truth, I need relationship with Jesus. 

It’s in this relationship that I am finding my peace, my clarity and my hope regarding next steps.  The latest trip to the docs this week was another sobering reminder that time is short.  As one doc explained, surgery got you about 90 days, chemo will get you about 90 days, and radiation gets you about 180 days.  They are concurrent, so whether you truly get another year is anyone’s guess.  He also warned about radiation dementia….as the cognitive processes are damaged, citing one of his current patients as an example. 

So what?  We are all dying.  The difference is I have a little more certainty.  The issue is whether we are open and responsive to the light and whether we are embracing His Truth. 

I am living  in a privileged space.  In God's sovereignty, I'm given this time to relate a few observations.
My purpose in doing so is from a sense of obligation...to my family, to my friends, to others who find something salient here about life.  To those who are questioning and asking "why?" 

As I try to process how God works, my focus is on:

• Living life, not fear death.  My desire is allow others to learn and avoid a lost opportunity about where true purpose, not futility is found in relationship with Jesus.
• No guilt. My comments and focus aim to encourage, not guilt anyone into anything. There is no condemnation. We are free in His Spirit.
• Hope. That sounds like a crazy idea and one that  is polar opposites from terminal brain cancer. 

A good resource for learning more is Vista Resources