Six months ago the
diagnosis of GBM was barely comprehensible.
Today, it frames most of what I do.
Has this been a desert experience, filled with fear and loneliness or
one that has seen God extend His hand of grace and mercy? Have I seen God showing up in this mess? How do you live with a terminal illness with
little certainty about your remaining time?
A quick recap. A craniotomy was performed in September
2013. Starting In October, I underwent
six weeks of both chemo and radiation therapy.
I had about a seven week reprieve from treatment and then started a 28
day chemo treatment schedule in January.
In the latest treatment cycle chemo (Temador) is taken daily for 5 days
followed by 23 days without chemo. An
MRI is completed every two months. As
long as the MRI indicates the GBM is progression free, the 28 day cycle of
chemo may continue for up to 12 cycles. The first round was filled with nausea
and extreme fatigue. Since then,
adjustments to anti-nausea medication have largely diminished the more
difficult side effects.
After six months it
seems the right time to ask: “what’s been learned?”
- Living in fear is a curse. We are at peace with all that He has in store, not seeking in desperation to prolong life because the alternative is foreboding and dark. We have been granted peace to enjoy this precious time Mary and I have together. We operate with the knowledge that our eternal life is enjoyed in His presence.
- Gratitude is the order of the day. We have been overwhelmed with more acts of kindness than we can enumerate. People, some we don’t even know, go out of their way to care for us, remind us that they are praying and with their actions show us we’re not forgotten. I only wish I could reciprocate as the debt I have built-up is significant. Saying “thank you” doesn’t carry the weight and depth of my appreciation.
- Grace and mercy envelop this privileged space. We don’t deserve God’s personal care, but the love of God is evident on a daily basis. That has the effect of strengthening my faith as I experience His loving kindness and sovereignty.
I am reminded of the
disciples in the boat, about to capsize on a stormy, raging sea, who were
scared out of their minds. Jesus calmed
the blustery sea with one command, “Peace (quiet) be still.” (Luke 4:39) I take comfort in Jesus’ control over all
creation—nothing escapes His sight.
“The Lord Almighty is
with us.” Psalm 46:11a
