Feb. 18, 1952 - Jan. 19, 2015

Timothy McAdams Clark entered the presence of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on Monday, January 19, 2015.

Tim was born on February 18, 1952, in Spokane, Washington.  When Tim was six months old, his parents, Allen and Anne Clark, moved to Edmonds, Washington.  Tim and his older siblings, Sarah [Kenneth Sundin] and Peter [Kathleen Clark] grew up there.  Tim’s brother, David Cleaver Clark, preceded him in death.

Tim married Mary Jansma in 1973, and their love for each other grew deeper and stronger throughout their marriage.  Tim and Mary’s children, Shauna [Lt. Col. Ryan Quaale, USAF], Krista [Dr. Victor Sampson], and Noah [Hilary (Weber)] survive him, as do ten grandchildren:  Ava, Jonah, Samuel, and Lillian Quaale; Kyra, Aidan, and Mikayla Sampson; and Tyson, Grace, and Joshua Clark.  

Tim graduated from Washington State University in Pullman, Washington.  Additionally, he earned the professional designation of Certified Property and Casualty Underwriter (CPCU).  Tim’s career in insurance claims management and collision repair spanned 37 years, including 24 years with Safeco Insurance and, most recently, Fix Auto, USA.  Tim’s business associates were also his friends, which was never more evident than during Tim’s illness with glioblastoma multiforme.

Tim was a member of Vista Community Church in Dublin, Ohio, where he served as an elder.  He and Mary actively participated in their local church, whether living in the Pacific Northwest where they raised their children or here in the Buckeye State.  Tim and Mary are blessed to have precious friends from each church and neighborhood of which they have been a part.

Tim’s legacy is one of hard work, integrity, a huge smile, an engaging and infectious laugh, loyal friendship, loving his wife, children and grandchildren without reservation, and unswervingly trusting in the redemptive plan of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

A memorial fund for missions has been established at Vista Community Church, 6065 Franz Rd., Suite 205, Dublin, OH 43017.

Visitation will be held on Friday, January 23, from 4 – 7 p.m. at Schoedinger Worthington Chapel and Funeral Home, 6699 N. High Street, Columbus, 43085. A memorial service is scheduled for 10 a.m., on Saturday, January 24, at Dublin Baptist Church, 7195 Coffman Road, Dublin 43017.   

Update 8/15/2014

Over the last week or two several of you have expressed surprise that I am still in the land of the living!  Put me in that category, too! 

It just goes to show that we are all living in privileged space--my euphemism for God’s mercy and grace, which daily surround us.  Previous to my diagnosis, I did not fully recognize the daily interaction and presence of God. Yes, I would acknowledge seeing the hand of God in extraordinary situations, but I was reticent to make the connection to a Sovereign God, who is always present.

Over the past eleven months, Mary and I have been amazed and encouraged at how God has conformed our path to intersect with people, based upon what can only be attributed to a God who ordains what is best for us. We often ask ourselves "Where did I see God showing up today?"  The answer is usually seen in the people God uses to personally convey His love for us. God’s timing and placement of His saints for our encouragement and His glory have been extraordinary and cannot be rationalized as random events.

Proverbs 16:9  “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Who knows how much time any of us has left?  As they say, it's beyond our pay grade

and known only by a sovereign God. As I consider what is next and that I likely have weeks or in the best case scenario a few months of time left, I am encouraged by His faithfulness and the strength of His promises.

Romans 8:35, 38-39 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced

that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I am solidly in His hands, as I see the shadow of death looming.  Do I fear death? 

Yes, I fear the specter of separation from my sweet Mary and the loneliness; the unknown of potential pain as I leave this life; the sadness at the end of all my relationships with my dear family and friends.  What I don't fear is where I will spend eternity. It's ironic to think of going to Heaven and being lonely---that is not in keeping with Heaven as perfect and a place of restoration--where there are neither regrets nor tears, where I will be welcomed by a loving and kind Jesus, who paid the debt for my sin by His death and resurrection.

I'd be remiss if I did not again convey my thanks to you for the many ways you have shown your love for us and in so doing have been used by God to encourage Mary and me.

I hope to pass on a few more observations to you. Time will tell.

Grace and peace to you.  

Joy ?

To my friends, brothers and sisters because of Jesus….

You have been an encouragement to Mary and me over the nine months subsequent to my brain cancer diagnosis. Thank you for the care you have extended to us as we have been the recipients of blessing on top of blessing.

Last Monday, the visit with the Neuro Oncologist (neuro-onc) revealed that the cancer has grown significantly in the last six weeks since the last MRI. I am no longer a candidate for a chemo drug, Temador, as it has been less than effective, besides the serious side effect of depleting the platelets. The next treatment option involves Avastin, which also has very serious side effects. Left untreated, the neuro-onc projected about two months of life. With Avastin, about four months.  Characteristically, this is an aggressive, fast growing type of brain cancer.

After praying about next steps, talking with friends, Mary, and our kids,  I've decided to end the cancer treatment through The James. I have contacted Hospice and we will now come under their care.

In reaching this decision, I found great encouragement in James 1:2-4..."Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

The idea of joy has puzzled me.  I briefly talked with one of my friends the other day and he suggested that the "joy" found in James 1:2 might be closer to shalom.  I found that interesting as I had arrived at the idea of assurance and peace as I prayed and thought about how the Holy Spirit has been palpably present in this trial.  Mary and I have seen our faith in Jesus affirmed and strengthened, not diminished in this time of trial.

I know the number of my days are ordained by God (Psalm 139:16) with or without Avastin.  It is with great peace that I move into this space that is within His sovereign and loving control.

I'm hopefully able to remain active and currently look forward to seeing/talking with you as His grace allows. We continue to place our we trust in Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, Eph 3:20.  

 

Krista, our middle daughter, along with her 3 kids are staying with us through June. She is a huge encouragement to Mary and me.  Shauna, our oldest daughter and her 4 kids were here through the weekend.  Noah will be here later after he and Hilary welcome a new baby boy into the world in the next week or so.  We will see them all again over the next month or so.  We are finding our remaining time together to be a great blessing.

Treatment Update, June 3, 2014

Yesterday was the latest doctor visit. Temador, the  chemo drug for treating the brain cancer is no longer an option due to the side effects, involving seriously depressed platelet count. An MRI was completed yesterday. MRI results were not what we'd hoped, but certainly were in keeping with the "norm" for glioblastoma, which means an aggressive, fast growing cancer. Basically, the MRI showed three tumors on the right side of the brain, but scattered through different levels of brain tissue. We were told that without treatment I have about two months, but with treatment perhaps four months.  I could also go another 6 years with treatment---that's how unpredictable this cancer has proven to be.  We will pursue treatment, which we anticipate will begin later this week. The drug, Avastin, is administered intravenously every two weeks.

Two verses keep running through my head:

1.)  “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.   I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:11b – 13

2.)  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance….”

Contentment and joy -- two greatly misapplied terms.  

June 2, 2014, marks another milestone in treatment.  The time horizon has shortened considerably, which is fairly predictable with glioblastoma.  I’ve been anticipating this doctor appointment for the last few weeks and asking myself how I would react to the news.  To be candid, it’s not the news I was anticipating, as I’ve not felt better, nor had as much energy as I’ve had over the last three weeks or so.  Regardless, my reference point is the apostle Paul, who you might recall had been shipwrecked, imprisoned, stoned, whipped at least twice and was always operating in some unpleasant or life threatening situation.  

Paul’s encouragement based on his faith in Jesus rings true for me.  I do not fear what is next, as a Sovereign, loving God is in control.  I’m sad at the news of reduced time, which means less time with my friends, my dear Mary, and family. Yet, I operate with the certainty of eternal life with Jesus.  How life will unfold over the next few months is anyone’s guess.    

The grace and peace that can only come from God pervades my thinking.  This is consistent with the many reminders found in His word that Jesus’ promises are bullet proof.  My contentment is not dependent on my circumstances, as I trust in a Sovereign God, who has my good and His glory at the center. My good is based on how a Sovereign and loving God defines what is best, based on His will---not my arbitrary and selfish understanding of what is best for me.    My trust in Jesus will certainly be tested in the coming months, but that is where the faith that Paul talks about comes into play.  Joy is a sense of security or assurance that comes from knowing that He does not allow any of His children to be snatched from His hand (John 10:28, 29).  Joy is not a false sense of elation.  I have the knowledge and promise that I will reside with Jesus after I die.  Life with Jesus is eternal.  All that has gone wrong will be made perfect for those who trust in Him since He is the great physician.  That is a joy I can anticipate and forms the basis for trusting Jesus---that His promises are reliable. 

My dear friends, I dislike emotional appeals, but I want you to know that as I face into this impending storm, I am trusting, confident and certain of the love of Jesus.  He has promised that I will join Him in heaven.  My love goes out to each of you.  I am hopeful to talk with you over the coming weeks and months.  

Treatment Update

April 23, 2014

We have a little mixed news from this week's test results.  The labs were excellent.  The platelets are in the "normal" range at 208.

The MRI showed a 4 mm "spot."  Not definitively anything yet, but a "spot" worth watching.  As a result, the next MRI will be in six weeks.

Chemo (temador) will be resumed at a lower dosage since the previous platelet issue was quite serious.

We are reminded of a verse we were given at the beginning of this journey to seek divine guidance.  The decisions are not cut and dried and we desperately need the power of His Holy Spirit as we try to assess the best of various alternatives.  We find solace in Isaiah 30: 21-22 that states:

Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 

We are constantly reminded of his caring embrace of us as we go through this trial and that he is showing us the way.  

Are You Kidding Me?

Are You Kidding Me?

April 2, 2014

Did you know that as a believer in Jesus we are presently---that’s real time--- seated with Jesus in the heavenly realms?  See Ephesians 2:4-6a.

But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus….

This statement of reality has been an uplifting revelation for me as I think about death. I don’t have to die to join Jesus.  In the here and now I can experience life with Jesus.   Further proof we are living in privileged space.  

Update on Condition:

Last week my platelets dropped to 6.  Normal is 150 to 400.  They’ve been in steady decline and as a result, I underwent a transfusion of platelets.   Today, testing showed the platelets had climbed to 25.  Further chemo has been suspended.  For now we wait for the platelets count to rebound and what further treatment is possible.  We anticipated treatment could result in complications.  However,  I feel fine except for fatigue.   Thank you all for your prayers for Mary and me.  We see the working of His Spirit daily in the strength He extends to both of us.  

Six Months Later...

Six months ago the diagnosis of GBM was barely comprehensible.  Today, it frames most of what I do.  Has this been a desert experience, filled with fear and loneliness or one that has seen God extend His hand of grace and mercy?  Have I seen God showing up in this mess?  How do you live with a terminal illness with little certainty about your remaining time?

A quick recap.  A craniotomy was performed in September 2013.  Starting In October, I underwent six weeks of both chemo and radiation therapy.  I had about a seven week reprieve from treatment and then started a 28 day chemo treatment schedule in January.  In the latest treatment cycle chemo (Temador) is taken daily for 5 days followed by 23 days without chemo.  An MRI is completed every two months.   As long as the MRI indicates the GBM is progression free, the 28 day cycle of chemo may continue for up to 12 cycles. The first round was filled with nausea and extreme fatigue.  Since then, adjustments to anti-nausea medication have largely diminished the more difficult side effects.  

After six months it seems the right time to ask: “what’s been learned?”

• Living in fear is a curse.  We are at peace with all that He has in store, not seeking in desperation to prolong life because the alternative is foreboding and dark. We have been granted peace to enjoy this precious time Mary and I have together.  We operate with the knowledge that our eternal life is enjoyed in His presence.

• Gratitude is the order of the day.  We have been overwhelmed with more acts of kindness than we can enumerate.  People, some we don’t even know, go out of their way to care for us, remind us that they are praying and with their actions show us we’re not forgotten.  I only wish I could reciprocate as the debt I have built-up is significant.  Saying “thank you” doesn’t carry the weight and depth of my appreciation.   

• Grace and mercy envelop this privileged space.  We don’t deserve God’s personal care, but the love of God is evident on a daily basis.  That has the effect of strengthening my faith as I experience His loving kindness and sovereignty. 

I am reminded of the disciples in the boat, about to capsize on a stormy, raging sea, who were scared out of their minds.  Jesus calmed the blustery sea with one command, “Peace (quiet) be still.” (Luke 4:39)  I take comfort in Jesus’ control over all creation—nothing escapes His sight.

“The Lord Almighty is with us.” Psalm 46:11a

More Than Enough?

We all seem to be resource limited on a number of fronts…time, sleep, money, friends, new business opportunities…you fill in the blank.  The supply and demand curve of life places a “ceiling” on our capacity to enjoy any given service or product.  There’s only one exception to the idea of  "limited resources" that I know of:  that’s the grace and mercy of God. 

I hope the attached video will give you some insight into my wife Mary’s observation that “He is more than enough….”   I invite you to ask yourself the question:  Is Jesus more than enough?

Link to Video

What's Next?

What's Next? 

November 19 2013

The James Cancer Hospital at Ohio State has a tradition of "ringing the bell," when radiation has been completed.  I say "we," as Mary has been at my side throughout this process. What a trooper she is. 

The team of  radiation therapists at The  James along with their support staff are an amazing group.  They all possess an  exceptional gift of gentleness and compassion, which demonstrates this is more than a job.  They show their gentleness and concern in so many ways, as they engage with patients of all ages and types of treatment.  I have been absolutely blessed under their care and have been fortunate to have formed new friendships over the last several weeks.  This group gets the "Mother Teresa" award for compassion...assuming there is such a thing.  They are being Jesus to those under their care.

With the end of radiation the next step is a four week reprieve:  no radiation and no chemotherapy. Daily chemotherapy was also part of the past six weeks of treatment.  Around the 2nd week of December a new  chemotherapy regimen will be initiated.   In the interim we are looking forward to seeing family and enjoying a temporary  reprieve from treatment. 

Finally, to all of you who have been so kind to contact us: Thank you.  We find great encouragement in your notes, your texts, phone calls, emails...and the list goes on!  We see the love of Jesus in the many gestures you extend to us.  We are blessed in this time by your expressions of kindness.

But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  Ephesians  2: 4-7

The Bell at The James Cancer Hospital

Mary, Tim, and daughter Krista

Treatment Update

Treatment Update

October 23, 2013

One of my friends in town asked how the radiation treatment was going.  I explained that it’s pretty much a non-event.  You’re met every day by a group of incredibly kind radiation therapists.  They strap you down to a table, you get your brains nuked-out, and you go home.  My friend opined that it sounded very similar to his last job.  

We are now in the third week of both chemo and radiation treatment.   Schedules pretty much revolve around the timing for the radiation treatment.  It’s odd to say, but this has become my new “job,” as certain medications and treatment must occur at specific intervals.  I’m doing well and now vying for the Magic Johnson “skin head” look.  As of this week, I’m no longer on steroids and as Mary says, the Gerbil has gone into hibernation.  I’m also looking forward to losing about 20 pounds gained while on steroids…

Over the last couple of weeks we have enjoyed seeing our kids and grandkids as they traveled to Ohio.  We continue to be amazed (you’d think we’d get over that) at how people show up in different ways to encourage us and show His love for us.  His timing is always perfect.  Thank you for all your prayers. 

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."        Ephesians 2:20, 21

Hope

Hope

  

November’s Road and Track magazine arrived (with annual renewal notice) in the mail yesterday. The cover is titled Beautiful Cars And Why We Love Them. I love cars, but it’s ironic in that cars have no capacity to respond in kind.  

October 7, 2013, marks the start of the “treatment phase.”  As I enter this space, life as Mary and I know it will become increasingly difficult.  The preceding five weeks since the craniotomy will start to look like a cake walk. It’s with this in mind that I want you to know the assurance and peace in which I am presently living, as I face a very troubling time.  I am fully aware of the sobering reality of what is ahead.  I tell you this not because I have the all answers, but because I have the certainty of His promises.  Those very real promises are backed by a Sovereign God who extends peace, hope, and confidence in the outcome, as contrasted to a sense of hopelessness or impending doom.   

• How can I have assurance as to the reliability and veracity of His promises?

• In a game of life or death would you rather know how the game ends before or after the last play?
• Is assurance a “feeling” or a guaranteed certainty?

I sense an urgent imperative:  to convey to you a unique vantage point regarding this privileged space in which we find ourselves.  We all operate in a privileged space because of a Sovereign God who is rich in mercy and grace.  I hope you will wrestle with what you trust to be true.  Let me contrast two points in time:

• February 16, 1981: When I was 29 years old, our son Noah, was born with a neuroblastoma, which at that time was typically fatal. Panic best describes my state of mind as I watched my 7 day old son disappear behind the operating room doors, as the medics waited to surgically remove the tumor, adrenal gland and possibly other organs.  I was willing to make any deal possible with God to save our son.  The fear and terror was awful as my wife and I waited the outcome.

• September 2, 2013: Diagnosed at 61 years old with terminal brain cancer (gliobastoma multiforme) and given 2 months to 2 years to live.  My response was different:  a level of peace, not panic, based on the certainty of God’s promises.  So this is what the Sovereign Lord says: “See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who relies on it will never be stricken with panic.” Isaiah 28:16 

What changed?  I have seen God work over the years and am convinced of His sovereignty and His love for me.  He has been building a “track record.”  I have become acutely aware of that fact in the last few weeks as we have seen Him intervene in His perfect timing, placing people at the right location for our care and encouragement.  Even a tone deaf guy like me can’t miss the way He pours out His love on us.

Hope to me is the assurance that actually grows in the face of trials and suffering.  It is where I see Jesus extending His great love and compassion in an assuring, kind and compassionate way.  He affirms and saves again.  It's a reciprocal relationship in which he longs to pour out His love on me...to the point of overflowing.  A promise backed by a rock solid guarantee.  

Why?

Why? 

·         Why did this happen?

·         Why are the 3 D’s---death, disease, and destruction a constant in our world?

·         Why suffering?  Why pain?

·         Why loss of relationship and the end of all things?

·         Why the futility of life?  

The “why” question must be addressed in order to frame out:

·         How can we move ahead in the face of the inexplicable?

·         So what:  What does this mean for you, my friends and my family?

In all this, I invite your comments and feedback as I post my observations.  Please do feel free to disagree.  Secondly, you should know that the basis for my vantage point is twofold:  His Word as found in Scripture and how Jesus reveals Himself and affirms His Word through the power of the Holy Spirit.  This is the only place I find Truth. 

Here’s the uncomfortable and rotten answer:  We don’t know why, and likely may not ever know the why to suffering.  Deuteronomy 29:29(a) helps explain that the mind of God is unknowable.

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever….”

That only makes sense if you consider the intellectual horsepower of God alone, regardless of all His other attributes.  If He is the Creator of all things, His knowledge and power are not quantifiable. His ways exceed our capacity and ability to comprehend (see Romans 11:33-36) and yet, He makes Himself known to us as a loving, kind, and gracious God who will go to any extreme to gain personal, individual relationship with me. This foundation informs what I believe to be true regarding suffering, pain and death.  Equally important, this is the basis for how I live in the” now” with a “living hope” that is not based on the power of positive thinking or denial, my fabricated sense of reality, nor some other “talk show” construct du jour for rationalizing the reality of the situation.  Truth is the forum for objectivity and clarity on the issue of pain and suffering and asking “why.”  It is a question that begs to be asked and not ignored.

If the answer is unknowable, then how can I move forward and avoid the paralysis and confusion of “not knowing why?”  The short answer:  This entire issue is about faith.  Faith that God is sovereign, that His promises are reliable, that He loves me and will go to any extreme for me.  Why choose that option of faith vs. the other option, which is to ignore or tune-out God?  That is the question each of us must answer for ourselves.  Reality check:  Control is at the core of knowing why.  If I know why, I can control the outcome.  Mankind has an inherent inability to trust God. 

The next issue is:  I better be right.  How do I know, and what are the indicators that placing my trust in Jesus is the right decision?  You don’t want to bet on the wrong horse. 

The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.  Eric_Hoffer(1902 - 1983)

Treatment Calendar

Treatment Calendar 

OSU’s The James continues to impress us with the level of care and time devoted to treatment.  Mary and I met with the radiology oncologists on September 26 for nearly four hours for the purpose of finalizing treatment plans, including the process of creating and fitting the radiation “mask.”

 

I found the process of creating the mask fascinating.  A thermoplastic mesh is draped over the upper shoulders and head, creating a mold. This mold is then secured to the table of the X-Ray tube to securely hold everything in the right place.  A laser measuring system is used to precisely place the head and body in the right position.  I have to tell you that the laser measuring system isn’t much different from what you’d see in a high end collision repair facility, as accuracy is measured in millimeters.  Mary’s hoping they don’t replace the OEM parts with after-market!

On Thursday, October 4, we return to The James for a trial run.  A complete simulation of radiation will be conducted to ensure the mask is properly positioned for the radiation targets.

On Monday, October 7, daily treatment begins.  Radiation and chemotherapy will occur simultaneously.  Radiation is a six week process with appointments Monday through Friday.  Chemotherapy is administered in pill form and is taken seven days per week.

We are relishing these remaining days before treatment begins.   I am capitalizing on time with my Mary.  We are affirmed in our faith, as God continues to pour out His love on us.  Thank you for continuing to pray for us. 

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Gerbil on the Run….

Gerbil on the Run….

Here’s a quick update on the status and treatment plan….

Background

Mary’s view:  Tim was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme (grade IV) 22 days ago.  Testing reveals a loss of spatial, organizational, and short-term memory, but to talk with him, you would never know that.  His conversation is fluid, his thoughts clear, and his sense of humor is completely intact.  (He does talk less about insurance claims solutions than he used to, and, frankly, that’s a welcome relief!) ).  His sense of taste, too, is quickly waning.  He really liked the over-salted salad I made last night! J  On occasion he is “lost” in a strange setting.  For a guy who was born with GPS in his head, this is a strange, new phenomenon. 

Tim’s view: I sleep very little, maybe 2-3 hours a night, but I don’t feel tired due to the steroids. Mary contends that a gerbil was implanted in my head during the surgery. I am totally sympathetic with A-Rod and his 50 game suspension.  The steroids aim to minimize brain swelling.  Peripheral vision in the left eye is gone now, requiring caution when walking.  No driving and constant supervision due to the potential for seizures.  None so far.  Loss of balance is an issue (ataxia) because the area in the brain controlling equilibrium was damaged by the tumor. 

By way of summary, the surgery on September 5 was intended to slow the rapid tumor growth.  The intent of the radiation and chemo is to minimize the rate of growth that is still occurring. This type of tumor grows tentacles, which permeate the brain, with obvious consequences. It is not possible to remove the many tendrils without destroying the brain.  Combined chemo and radiation is the standard medical treatment.  

 

Treatment

The James is the highly regarded Cancer Research Center at The Ohio State University. Don’t worry: I’ve not gone soft here.  I’m still a Coug.  We met with the Neuro Oncologist at The James last week along with each of the individuals on his team.  Suffice it to say, they have the necessary expertise across all the various specialties.  The treatment regimen is pretty formulaic—5 days per week of radiation and 7 days per week of chemo, which is in pill form….no IV for the chemo. The radiation will require daily trips to The James.  This Thursday is the first radiation appointment at which time I’ll be fitted with a mask so that only the area of the tumor is radiated. Radiation will last six weeks.   The chemo (Temador) is purportedly more tolerable than some other typical chemo drugs.  

 

Clinical Trials:

 I have opted in for two different clinical trials. The minor detail is one has to survive the initial treatment regimen--the fine print will get you every time.  Frankly, that’s not where my hope rests.  I’d certainly like to be around long enough to qualify, but I’m not arguing with the scorecard.  The prognosis is very clear.   

 

Summary:

 I cannot begin to thank all of you enough for your kindness, the prayers, the notes, the text messages, the meals, and the multiple gestures that come in so many different forms.  It is in those acts that we see one example of His Spirit  showing up because in His perfect timing, they are received just when needed….A God who longs to pour out His love on those He loves…..I John 3:1. May He richly bless each of you.

Trust and Trials

Trust and Trials….

Recall the scene in the old movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in which the twosome jump off a cliff into the roaring river? Towards the end of the movie, after multiple successful escapes, The Kid and Butch Cassidy are cornered, standing on the precipice of a deep canyon with a rapids-filled river at the base of the rocky cliffs.  As the militia closes in on them, they hesitate momentarily to build up some confidence before making the leap into the river below and in that moment The Kid concedes he doesn’t know how to swim.  Butch Cassidy’s quip stated the obvious:  “What are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.” The twosome had a “history” of escaping near death experiences and surviving.    

Analogies can only go so far, but the trial Mary and I presently face would be impossible to comprehend except that we have seen the hand of God before.  We see how he takes my screw-ups, the bad decisions, the wrong thinking and restores.  My trust in a God of Hope (Romans 15:13) is strengthened as I experience His kindness and compassion.  I experience the rock solid foundation of His love.  In essence, trials create a track record that act as a reference point for the next trial we encounter. 

Trust is a conscious decision that is strengthened over time.  I find my trust in God is a bit like the ebb and flow of the tide.  “The heart of man has an inherent inability to trust God.” See http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/vista-community-church-dublin/id288508237  I can have a high level of confidence only to have it eroded by some event that I didn’t anticipate or was “out of control.” Trust means that I must give up control and submit to something.  The object of our trust is crucial to the next trial or challenge we face…and trust me on this, those trials are a certainty.

The precipice Mary and I found ourselves contemplating pre and post-surgery involved some pretty tough facts.  I had in mind that I needed the facts and told the medics as much.  I had already solved for the unknown, which is to say, I was confident in the reliability of His promise. I could deal with the issues rationally, because the terror of death was a non-issue. See Isaiah 28:16.  Because the promises of God are reliable, I am certain of my eternal security.  The lie of Satan is that God doesn’t love me…or ideas to that effect. Wrong thinking may cause me to conclude that this is a random event; that God really isn’t in control or as Woody Allen cynically stated, “God is an underachiever.” Perhaps, I screwed-up and did something wrong to cause this.

Instead, terminal cancer is not what God desires, but results from a world full of evil.  As Tim Keller points out, there is an “asymmetrical relationship” between suffering and God. See http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/questions-suffering.  God’s design did not include death, disease and destruction.  The “original sin” unleashed those forces by turning away from God.  God doesn’t condone, but permits sin. 

The bottom, bottom line is one of Trust.  If He is in control of my situation and is working for my welfare (Romans 8:28), how can I move forward with a trusting heart?  What assurance should I have in this process?  If my faith is affirmed in suffering, what “proof” can I share with you as evidence that His foundation and my welfare is secure?  What are the implications of trusting in a Sovereign God?  Stay tuned.

Seeing Clearly....

Seeing Clearly…..

I have learned since my surgery that I have a serious sight deficit on the left side.  The docs were confident it existed prior to the surgery.  In retrospect, that explains why I was running over curbs while driving a rental car, of course.  One of those curb-running incidents resulted in one of my good friends renaming me Helen Keller.  What was evident to him was obscure if not hidden from me.  One of the docs pointed out that the mind has an amazing way of compensating for such anomalies which allowed me to “deny” any problems or fall-off in my sight that I’d been experiencing.  There were other symptoms, which I vigorously ignored as “that wasn’t really me”---like getting lost while driving. 

Life is like that.  We become ingrained in our own way of thinking and adapt to the current environment.  We need the infusion of light as the “independent third party” for bringing objectivity.  To illuminate those things we simply ignore or overlook.  It’s in His Truth—God’s Word that I begin to understand what is critical to real purpose; in how I should conduct myself; that I am a child of God without condition.  That’s all well and good, but to trigger the benefits of His Truth, I need relationship with Jesus. 

It’s in this relationship that I am finding my peace, my clarity and my hope regarding next steps.  The latest trip to the docs this week was another sobering reminder that time is short.  As one doc explained, surgery got you about 90 days, chemo will get you about 90 days, and radiation gets you about 180 days.  They are concurrent, so whether you truly get another year is anyone’s guess.  He also warned about radiation dementia….as the cognitive processes are damaged, citing one of his current patients as an example. 

So what?  We are all dying.  The difference is I have a little more certainty.  The issue is whether we are open and responsive to the light and whether we are embracing His Truth. 

I am living  in a privileged space.  In God's sovereignty, I'm given this time to relate a few observations.
My purpose in doing so is from a sense of obligation...to my family, to my friends, to others who find something salient here about life.  To those who are questioning and asking "why?" 

As I try to process how God works, my focus is on:

• Living life, not fear death.  My desire is allow others to learn and avoid a lost opportunity about where true purpose, not futility is found in relationship with Jesus.
• No guilt. My comments and focus aim to encourage, not guilt anyone into anything. There is no condemnation. We are free in His Spirit.
• Hope. That sounds like a crazy idea and one that  is polar opposites from terminal brain cancer. 

A good resource for learning more is Vista Resources